My Darkest Secret
by Smoochynose
Summary: I am not light. I am darkness." Kari's diary hold the truth about her actions for the reader. Takari.


Another one shot. Kari's diary reveals all...

Disclaimer: I do not own digimon because I am too poor.****

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**My Darkest Secret**

Dear Diary,

I've never confided in anyone my darkest secret, not even you, who cannot talk and reveal my secret. For years I've lived with this secret, smiling brightly and steering the conversation away when it got too close to my secret.

For years people believed that my deepest secret was the crush that I had been harbouring on Takeru but people asked me to tell them whether it was my darkest secret and I honestly answered that it wasn't and they could tell it was the truth.

I've been comfortable keeping it secret but now I'm nervous. Recently everyone has been trying to get me to share my secret but I refused. They even tried going so far as to admit their own dark secrets but I still refused and it's intrigued them even more.

I don't want them to know my secret but now I feel that I won't be able to hold it in much longer. It hurts me that I can't even tell Takeru. I see the pain on his face when I tell him that I can't tell him my darkest secret, considering that he trusted me enough to tell me his.

Why can't everything be simple and normal again? Why must I have a secret that's so bad that I can't even trust Takeru with it? I'm sure I'm going to crack…

My darkest secret, my hidden self, I'm not as bright and light and happy as I have convinced everyone that I am. In fact I'm the total opposite. If I didn't force myself to be optimistic everyday then I would go mad with depression.

My darkest secret is the truth that I am not light. I am darkness, a deep despair at the bottom of my heart that I try to ignore. I obsess over things to cover up the depression inside but when it's quiet all around and my mind is unfocused I become the living embodiment of darkness.

Life appears depressing and boring. There's nothing at all to cheer me up. I'd turn to food but it's boring. It's old and it's the same thing over and over again. I sink into despair and begin to wonder about the point in life, my life.

Sometimes I think it would be easier just to give up and let life slip away and then I'd be at peace. No more darkness and no more despair and I would be happy. Life can be so cruel in how it deals out happiness. I look at Takeru and love how happy he is but at the same time I feel jealous. I feel angry. I feel despair. Was I not meant to be happy?

I find myself thinking that question everyday and I want to be happy and I want to say that I am happy but right now…I can't.

Takeru closed the diary and felt tears run down his cheeks in bitter despair. How could he have not known how sad his best friend was? How could he missed out that important detail that as her best friend he was supposed to spot instantly? He thought he knew her.

He looked at the letter that he held in his other hand and felt more tears come to his eyes as he read it again. He couldn't remember how many times he had read it, all he knew was that they were the last words that she had intended to say to him.

Keru,

Please don't hate me for what I am about to do and don't blame yourself. I made this decision on my own and I probably would have made it a long time ago if you weren't with me. I'm so sorry for any hurt that I may cause you but I don't know what else to do. I want to explain properly to you but Mum, Dad and Tai will be back very soon. Read the last entry in my diary. It's under the floorboard to steps to the left of the right bedpost. I love you so much and don't want to hurt you but you have to understand that this is the only way I can see forward. Please forgive me,

Love always, Kari. xXx

Takeru looked at the letter once more and tears filled his red-rimmed eyes once more. He felt someone sit down next to him and put an arm around his shoulders, "Shhh…It's going to be alright," he heard his brother say.

Takeru looked up and saw his friend lying in the metal bed with drips sticking out of her arms. Her skin was ashen and her eyes closed and lifeless, the beeping of the life support machine beeping at a constant pace. She looked skeletal but it was probably just the worry he felt for her.

He wanted more than anything to walk up to her and wrap his arms around her and whisper to her everything was going to be alright but he couldn't – she had been on life-support for four months now, ever since her family came home early and found her hanging in her bedroom, and her family had decided that it was too hard on everyone to leave Hikari like this.

They were pulling the plug.

He walked over to her zombie like and pulled her skeletal figure into one final hug, "I'm sorry Kari. I wasn't there when you needed me. I love you," he said and kissed her cheek, "I still have hope for you," he said and walked out of the room, leaving a spot on her cheek softly glowing in a warm yellow light.

Takeru sat outside, praying internally to any God that was willing to listen, asking them to help the ones that Hikari would leave behind. She would be happy and wouldn't need any help but everyone left behind was going to take it rough. They were the ones who truly needed the help, especially Tai.

If he had the chance to he would be with Hikari all the time just so that she could be happy. He wanted to see her smile again. He wanted to hear her laugh. He would wait patiently with her if she needed to cry her eyes out or he would be there to laugh at her jokes if she felt up to it and he would never pressure her to be optimistic and he would let her be whatever mood she was in that day. He would love her.

He sat up suddenly as he saw some doctors rush into Hikari's room and he began to panic. She couldn't die yet. He wasn't ready for her to go. He stood up and ran to the door, Yamato watching him with a worried expression.

"Please let me in," Takeru cried as some of the medical team blocked his way.

"Are you family?" asked a calm looking nurse.

"No, b…"

"I'm sorry but only family allowed.

"Please. Tell me what's going on," he begged.

"She's waking up."

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Please review and tell me what you think.

I was going to have Hikari die but she's my favourite charecter and I didn't have the heart. If you want it the way i planned it to be substitute the last bit of speach for, "I'm sorry. She's crashing."

Review. It makes me happy )


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